is it okay to give up on trying to have a good relationship with a parent?

today is yet another one of those days where this question keeps my mind rather occupied. this is going to be rather personal and, due to the purpose of writing and putting weight and sense into my words, has to go quite indepth, but i feel like writing this off my chest could a) be beneficial to me to keep my own point in mind, and b) if this ever read by anyone finding themselves in a similar situation like me and gives them even 1% of relief, i guess i did something good that day. ^_^ 

first things first, i have not had the privilege, (or more like "joy", privilege sounds so bitter) to grow up in a healthy and happy family. i am aware that i didnt have it bad, because materialistic questions have never been an issue. my parents made living and paying their way through life look easy, and i know that i was lucky because buying clothes, food or even purchasing things for entertainment such as books, CDs, DVDs, computers etc has never been a problem. so yeah, in a materialistic sense, my life was bliss. the emotional side on the other hand... went very poorly.

if i could trade half of the belongings, if not all for having a happy and loving family instead, im pretty sure that i might do so in a heartbeat. but as this isnt possible, and just one of the kind of "ifs" that drag you down, this thought doesnt make for a good wish, let alone daydream. reality isnt always going the way you wish it was, and being upset about it might help if it is done within the process of dealing with it, healing from it and accepting it - but too much "bleeding" over a situation like this is toxic. 

however, back to the point. i grew up in a family with two parents who didnt love each other. parent X has cheated on parent Y, and since then, a feeling of sadness and hostility has moved into the house with us. both of my parents are - 20 wasted years later - still living together. both of them are bitter, both of them are unhappy with the situation, and *FINALLY* parent X is working on moving out. if any parent who is in a situation like this reading this blog entry, though chances are small - do NOT stay together "for your kid's sake". i can happily guarantee you that all you are probably going to end up doing is bringing an unnecessary and unhealthy level of toxicity over your whole family, and you are *NOT* keeping your child from being hurt like this.

anyway. spending 20 years with someone who not only made you unhappy in the past, but is - on a daily basis - reminding you about what happened back then, *STILL* making you unhappy, i can obviously imagine that you spiral down into an abyss. i am aware that this is hard on my parents, too, on both of them in a very individual way. i have stepped back from the picture and have looked at it from a distance, this isnt easy for them at all, and i do not blame them for hurting, maybe even still trying to desperately fix stuff.

but what i especially blame parent X for is the way she changed towards me. if this change is even related to their previous story, i am not 100% certain, but i think it definitely plays a role in their instability, so i thought id mention it.

in my teens, i got sick, very sick, and couldve died from this sickness. i, however, survived, but something about this whole phase has changed parent X. i think it was the last bhit she could take in her life, that, as a whole, hasnt exaclty been great. i am not i her shoes, so i dont try to blame her maliciously, but if my kid had survived a deadly disease like this, i would thank the stars for it and not suddenly turn against that child, and become absolutely hostile.

whats been happening between parent X and me ever since the is basically that she is critical and skeptical about basically *everything* i do, and acts like i am a criminal for liking what i like doing. parent X and i are polar opposites. she is an extravert, i am an introvert. she gains energy from being outside and seeing people, i drain energy from it and instead recharge in silent environments. she likes being involved and actively giving to her surroundings, i like staying in the background and fixing things, making sure everything works whilst observing from the distance.

to her, this translates to me being apathetic and lazy. she gets mad at me for "not doing anything all day", because in her eyes the things i enjoy doing - mostly involving either staying at home reading, or hanging online, playing video games, reading up / researching stuff - as "doing nothing" and "wasting time". i have, on several occassions, tried to explain to her that time cannot be defined as a "waste" when spent in another way youd personally spend it, because spending time with something that has a value to you isnt wasting it at all. and interests differ, and its *GREAT* that they do - i wouldnt want to live in a world where everyone and everything is the same.

just because i do not particularitly enjoy going partying every weekend, i dont think that it is a waste of time if you enjoy doing it, for example. my mum on the other hand is assuming that i am "wasting my life away" because i dont do the things she personally attributes any value to. this makes me worthless in her eyes, some kid always sitting in her room, not doing anything.

i have spent the past 3 years in England, making a living working as a proofreader and translator in the gaming industry. ive lived on my own and have returned to my home country Germany about a month ago. i am not intending to live with my parents long term, but i am currently at their place while i am looking for a job / until the support money is granted to me. i thought that now, where i spent the past 3 years abroad and made a living quite successfully, parent X is gonna look at me differently.

previous to my 3 years in England ive spent 2 years in Sweden, also working in the gaming industry and "making it" in the adult life. after 3 years of distance, i thought she had time to calm down, time to grow - as i did - and that we can be "cool" with each other now. that we can respect that we are different, polar opposites even, but that this isnt a big deal at all. you can still respect someone who is different than you, and see the value of the things they do and their talents that differ from yours. .....

i guess i was wrong. my dearest parent X, still as narrow minded as ever, assumes the worst of me, still - now apparently more than ever. to her, i am still the kid that doesnt get anything done, the kid that doesnt do anything until you tell her 1000 times in a very hostile manner.

for years, i have been desperate, wanting to find out why parent X is that hostile towards me. what have i ever done to her? why is she always assuming that i am "detached from life and all my surroundings". just because im an introvert? she surely cant be that stupid. this has always bothered me, because apparently it seems to be a natural reflex to want to please your parents and want them to approve of what you do - not anymore. 

i have come to terms that whatever i am gonna do - be it making it in the business world, being happy about myself and life, gaining inner balance or other personal milestones - she wont care, because in *HER* world in which she only seems to see *HER* values, all of this means nothing. and i need my energy to focus on my own life, to build and own life. why would i still spend it on trying to impress her or explain myself to her.

i am in my 20ies now and i am happy with my life, with my interests, the people and things in my life and my way of doing things - and i no longer have the desire or need to a) get in a fight with her, or b) prove her that i can "do it".

ive proven to myself and to people who matter to me that i can "do it", i have managed to live abroad for 5 years, making a living, and i am about to pick up a job either here in Germany or - who knows - in another country.

would i still want her to say loving words and nice things to me? and i dont mean "special snowflake" treatment with that, just affirmations, her confessing that she is proud of what i do / did and that she thinks im a decent person? yes, id still WANT to hear these things from her, but i no longer *NEED* to hear them to be proud of myself.

whenever she is ready to open up to me, whenever she is ready to look at our different lifestyles less narrow-mindedly, whenever she decides to lay down the sword of hostility - a double edge sword, with which she doesnt only strike at me but also constantly hurts herself - i am willing to talk.

parent X, i respect you for your apparent strength in life, and for bringing me up in a comfortable way, with money not being an issue. i know you worked hard, and i want you to know i appreciate that. i appreciate your skillset that you achieved in this life, which differs from mine immensely, yet is fascinating to me. maybe, just maybe one day you will be able to see that just because i am different, more introverted, and enjoy playing video games, i am not a criminal. 

may you find yourself, and may you maybe, someday, find me again, too. until then, i am going to take care of living and planning my life, because it is important to me. i dont live to impress you, and i dont live to meet your standards - i live to meet *MINE*.

if this ambition makes you think of me as bratty - which you prove through your statements and actions through a daily basis - then so be it. : ) it used to hurt me, but slowly but surely, all i feel is liberated. 

how i spent new years eve 2015~ 

or, the first new years eve i finally allowed myself to be me.

in a romanticised way, every new years eve is the beginning of something new. a new year, a new me, all that kind of fancy stuff that people like to say and believe. sadly, there is a lot of cliché to these words - as there unfortunately is to many of them in general. 

philosophical aspects to the side though, this post is meant to remind myself of a little milestone i managed to hit new years eve 2015 - and maybe it is an inspiration to other people, who, like me, have struggled with this previously.

every single year previously to 2015, i would go out to a new years party. these parties mostly ended up being house parties (even i knew better than to enter a club or a disco, bloody hell.), which included several people, and - in the best case scenario - video games. in the not-so-great scenarios, lots of "hanging" and fun party games that... werent that fun to me. my own fault for going, is what you might think. and true, yes, it was my own fault for going. i am aware of this now, too. but back then, i really wasnt, and thought that sitting alone on new years eve must be the saddest thing humanly possible. 

we all grow to up to see all these flashy new years parties, tons of people ganging up to shoot rockets to the sky, to drink, to party - to have a good time. so, sadly, the conclusion that past me jumped to is that the opposite of all this - being alone - is abysmal, horrible, cruel and must mean that i am unhappy and going wrong somewhere in life. so i went to all these parties and tried my best to have fun with the people and whatever we did there, but oftentimes noticed that they seemed to be more "there". they were way more lively and seemed to have a great time. i had quick moments of joy here and there, which oddly enough happened when i distanced myself from the group and managed to have a somewhat good 1on1 conversation of sorts. 

this year, i have also been invited to parties once again. and, after all ive been through in 2015, the year where i finally learned that solitude isnt a bad thing, that it is in fact quite the opposite and that i pull an insane amount of energy out of being alone at times, i caught myself thinking...

"do i really wanna go to yet another party?". "isnt it even rude towards the host if i am there but start wishing id be home after just an hour or so? i dont wanna ruin other peoples fun... also i dont wanna ruin my *own* fun by wishing i stayed at home, doing X instead." ...

after lots and lots of thinking and reflecting, i decided that i wouldnt go to any party, and that i wouldnt see *ANYONE* this new years eve. just me, the hours ticking down to 2016, silence (well, apart from the occasional early rockets fired towards the sky), a comfortable atmosphere ... i was sold : )

and this is exactly how i spent new years eve 2015. i stayed at home, read a respectable amount of pages of my current favourite book. i also spent the evening playing video games (rocket league <3) togethers with a few similar minds, who have also decided to rather stay at home than go out and party. another lesson i learned: surround yourself with people who have the same mission.*

((*sidenote: a lot of non-gamers or people who are skeptical of online friendships will probably facepalm hard now, but if you spend an evening - ANY evening - having fun with friends online, you arent lonely or alone at all. it is your time to spend, and it is your choice how you spend it. time spent on having fun is n o t wasted in my opinion. so technically, i suppose this wasnt a full on "solitude" evening, considering the gaming part. ^__^))

BOOM. : )

i had a few glasses of cherry brandy whilst playing, and when the clock hit 00:00 i went outside to watch the fireworks. after the amount of rockets greeting the new year with gorgeous explosion on the sky slowly decreased in numbers, i decided to go for a little "midnight walk". the atmosphere for this walk was amazing. veiled by the darkness and the mist of a cold winter night, with the right music playing... 

i couldnt have spend this new years any better, and im so happy that ive finally come to realise that theres nothing wrong with NOT going out on some days - even on days where most people are surrounded by others.

January 1st, 2016,

and a new blog pops up out of nowhere. sooo many people are probably doing the same right now, it is the time of the glorious new years resolutions though, isnt it. when, if not now, is the time to start so many new projects, to work on yourself - just to drop it again in a few weeks time.

this blog is something i am not going to drop. it has always been so hard for me to put into words what is going on in my head, and this year is the year i am facing this problem. my mind might be so complex and deep, but what is the use of having such a vivid life going on inside of your head when you cannot translate these thoughts to the outer world.... when you cannot express whats going on in your mind, your head - even your heart. dont get me wrong, if anyone loves solitude and is happy figuring things out for myself its me, no doubt. but there are situations in life where it is of a big advance to actually manage to put all the things on your mind - be it thoughts, ideas, advice, concerns, etc. - into words. 

2015 has been rough on me, very rough. if someone was to ask me, id tell them that 2015 has been the second hardest year of my life. 2015 has taken a lot from me, but it has also given back to me in return. it has given me a whole new sense of clarity, awareness of self and i feel like my problem-solving-skillset has been upgraded. tldr, 2015 might have been really hard at times, but im here now, arent i. its 2016, 2015 is through, and im standing here, feeling like ive gotten to know myself more intensely than ever in the past year. i feel that, especially *because* this past year has been so tough, i got to learn so much more about myself, i got to improve, and i can feel how my mind has seriously expanded. something has definitely happened to me, and even if most things that occured to me in the past year has not been were not exactly pleasant, i do feel victorious in the end.

one motto i have always gone by, but understood more indepth in 2015 is the following:

time is the most valuable thing you have.

it definitely is, and the way you spend this time can either make or break you. i personally always felt like i was really in touch myself also previously to 2015, but now that i think about it, i must say that i have always lacked one final piece to the puzzle to get my mind into the state i need it to be to be at my most capable and happy state. the feeling of being in touch with myself more than ever, which has come over me together with this insane wave of calmness, clarity and "inner zen" feels... like something i have never truly felt before. 

i guess this is a "level up" kind of feeling, but more like a "level up" in a lift, because i level'd up on so many levels.... (aaaaand here we go with the metaphors, woo. ¬__¬) 

what im trying to say is, i got to discover myself more indepth, and i love what i am seeing. there, i said it. i love myself. it seems to be so forbidden to say this nowadays, to approve of yourself. its like we are all *MEANT* to feel bad about ourselves, in a way we are even taught to rather doubt ourselves than to like ourselves. and i dont disagree, a healthy amount of doubt about the right things about yourself can definitely be beneficial and will lead to improvement, but you should never doubt yourself so much that your confidence and thus your happiness suffers.

i have personally always doubted that i fit in with everyone else. and this doubt had become toxic over the past few years. this is where it gets funny. i intuitively always knew that i somehow dont fit in with the "conventional" people (and there is *NOTHING* wrong with being conventional at all - it just really isnt something i can identify with for my own self), yet i thought i have to. why? because i was bulletproof sure that i, too, am an extraverted person and that i just havent found the right people to "party with" yet. i have dragged myself from circle of friends to circle of friends, desperate to fit in, always doubting that i could. they all seemed so attuned to each other and always had such a great time, the more, the merrier. i on the other side noticed how quickly i drained. the others wouldnt even be at the climax of having fun, and i was already willing to buy someone an empire if they were just to escort me back home, so i could either read or play some video games.

but i was *CERTAIN* i definitely wanted to be "out there" and just needed to find the right kind of action to enjoy with the right group of people. .... then 2015 happened. the year that forced me down on my knees. i like to think of myself as stable and rather mindstrong, but - excuse my English - 2015 managed to fuck me, hard. i was sure that i am going to lose my mind, i was at a definite breaking point - and this breaking point was my biggest curse back then, but turned out to be my biggest blessing in the end. the breaking point forced me to retreat, to truly face myself. i had to deal with my inner world in order to "take out the trash" and get my sanity back - in order to save my mind. 

it took months of tough work, of being brutally honest with myself, of shutting out many people... but what i gained is so precious. due to spending so much time actively having to work on myself, i finally started to understand myself in a way that i never understood myself before. i had *ALWAYS* liked silence the best, i have always enjoyed solitude, but up until that year, i didnt think of it as "solitude". i thought of it as "loneliness", and i thought it is a sad way to live a life. i thought that the amount of people you have in your life a) will bring you happiness and b) verifies that you are doing well. BULLSHIT.

this lifestyle might bring great joy to others, but it absolutely drowns me in misery. and 2016 is the year where i finally know all these things, and will spend my time accordingly.

NO, it is NOT sad to like solitude.

YES, there is a BIG difference between solitude and loneliness.

YES, you CAN be an introvert despite not being shy.

YES, having a few selected people as friends is ABSOLUTELY fine.

these are four of the things i have learned about myself in the past year, and i feel so much better since i have come to get to know myself this way. now, when i look back, i laugh, almost cringe, at how certain i was i am an extraverted person just because i am not shy. i used to seriously think that, in order to be an introvert, you need to be shy. I THOUGHT QUIET = SHY. hahaha. and here i go, always having thought of myself as ever-so-smart. i guess that was another good lesson, to look at the bigger picture... ¬__¬ .

so, this is it. this is 2016. the first year ever where i actually feel like i a) know myself and b) have an idea of what i am doing, where i am going, and what i want to achieve. for my own, personal happiness, but also long-term goals, projects, etc... (which will lead to long-term happiness.)

i will use this blog as a digital diary, and i must say that i am curious - almost carefully optimistic (coming from me, the realist with a tendency to pessimism) - about what 2016 may bring.

have a safe trip, fellow wanderers.