is it okay to give up on trying to have a good relationship with a parent?

today is yet another one of those days where this question keeps my mind rather occupied. this is going to be rather personal and, due to the purpose of writing and putting weight and sense into my words, has to go quite indepth, but i feel like writing this off my chest could a) be beneficial to me to keep my own point in mind, and b) if this ever read by anyone finding themselves in a similar situation like me and gives them even 1% of relief, i guess i did something good that day. ^_^ 

first things first, i have not had the privilege, (or more like "joy", privilege sounds so bitter) to grow up in a healthy and happy family. i am aware that i didnt have it bad, because materialistic questions have never been an issue. my parents made living and paying their way through life look easy, and i know that i was lucky because buying clothes, food or even purchasing things for entertainment such as books, CDs, DVDs, computers etc has never been a problem. so yeah, in a materialistic sense, my life was bliss. the emotional side on the other hand... went very poorly.

if i could trade half of the belongings, if not all for having a happy and loving family instead, im pretty sure that i might do so in a heartbeat. but as this isnt possible, and just one of the kind of "ifs" that drag you down, this thought doesnt make for a good wish, let alone daydream. reality isnt always going the way you wish it was, and being upset about it might help if it is done within the process of dealing with it, healing from it and accepting it - but too much "bleeding" over a situation like this is toxic. 

however, back to the point. i grew up in a family with two parents who didnt love each other. parent X has cheated on parent Y, and since then, a feeling of sadness and hostility has moved into the house with us. both of my parents are - 20 wasted years later - still living together. both of them are bitter, both of them are unhappy with the situation, and *FINALLY* parent X is working on moving out. if any parent who is in a situation like this reading this blog entry, though chances are small - do NOT stay together "for your kid's sake". i can happily guarantee you that all you are probably going to end up doing is bringing an unnecessary and unhealthy level of toxicity over your whole family, and you are *NOT* keeping your child from being hurt like this.

anyway. spending 20 years with someone who not only made you unhappy in the past, but is - on a daily basis - reminding you about what happened back then, *STILL* making you unhappy, i can obviously imagine that you spiral down into an abyss. i am aware that this is hard on my parents, too, on both of them in a very individual way. i have stepped back from the picture and have looked at it from a distance, this isnt easy for them at all, and i do not blame them for hurting, maybe even still trying to desperately fix stuff.

but what i especially blame parent X for is the way she changed towards me. if this change is even related to their previous story, i am not 100% certain, but i think it definitely plays a role in their instability, so i thought id mention it.

in my teens, i got sick, very sick, and couldve died from this sickness. i, however, survived, but something about this whole phase has changed parent X. i think it was the last bhit she could take in her life, that, as a whole, hasnt exaclty been great. i am not i her shoes, so i dont try to blame her maliciously, but if my kid had survived a deadly disease like this, i would thank the stars for it and not suddenly turn against that child, and become absolutely hostile.

whats been happening between parent X and me ever since the is basically that she is critical and skeptical about basically *everything* i do, and acts like i am a criminal for liking what i like doing. parent X and i are polar opposites. she is an extravert, i am an introvert. she gains energy from being outside and seeing people, i drain energy from it and instead recharge in silent environments. she likes being involved and actively giving to her surroundings, i like staying in the background and fixing things, making sure everything works whilst observing from the distance.

to her, this translates to me being apathetic and lazy. she gets mad at me for "not doing anything all day", because in her eyes the things i enjoy doing - mostly involving either staying at home reading, or hanging online, playing video games, reading up / researching stuff - as "doing nothing" and "wasting time". i have, on several occassions, tried to explain to her that time cannot be defined as a "waste" when spent in another way youd personally spend it, because spending time with something that has a value to you isnt wasting it at all. and interests differ, and its *GREAT* that they do - i wouldnt want to live in a world where everyone and everything is the same.

just because i do not particularitly enjoy going partying every weekend, i dont think that it is a waste of time if you enjoy doing it, for example. my mum on the other hand is assuming that i am "wasting my life away" because i dont do the things she personally attributes any value to. this makes me worthless in her eyes, some kid always sitting in her room, not doing anything.

i have spent the past 3 years in England, making a living working as a proofreader and translator in the gaming industry. ive lived on my own and have returned to my home country Germany about a month ago. i am not intending to live with my parents long term, but i am currently at their place while i am looking for a job / until the support money is granted to me. i thought that now, where i spent the past 3 years abroad and made a living quite successfully, parent X is gonna look at me differently.

previous to my 3 years in England ive spent 2 years in Sweden, also working in the gaming industry and "making it" in the adult life. after 3 years of distance, i thought she had time to calm down, time to grow - as i did - and that we can be "cool" with each other now. that we can respect that we are different, polar opposites even, but that this isnt a big deal at all. you can still respect someone who is different than you, and see the value of the things they do and their talents that differ from yours. .....

i guess i was wrong. my dearest parent X, still as narrow minded as ever, assumes the worst of me, still - now apparently more than ever. to her, i am still the kid that doesnt get anything done, the kid that doesnt do anything until you tell her 1000 times in a very hostile manner.

for years, i have been desperate, wanting to find out why parent X is that hostile towards me. what have i ever done to her? why is she always assuming that i am "detached from life and all my surroundings". just because im an introvert? she surely cant be that stupid. this has always bothered me, because apparently it seems to be a natural reflex to want to please your parents and want them to approve of what you do - not anymore. 

i have come to terms that whatever i am gonna do - be it making it in the business world, being happy about myself and life, gaining inner balance or other personal milestones - she wont care, because in *HER* world in which she only seems to see *HER* values, all of this means nothing. and i need my energy to focus on my own life, to build and own life. why would i still spend it on trying to impress her or explain myself to her.

i am in my 20ies now and i am happy with my life, with my interests, the people and things in my life and my way of doing things - and i no longer have the desire or need to a) get in a fight with her, or b) prove her that i can "do it".

ive proven to myself and to people who matter to me that i can "do it", i have managed to live abroad for 5 years, making a living, and i am about to pick up a job either here in Germany or - who knows - in another country.

would i still want her to say loving words and nice things to me? and i dont mean "special snowflake" treatment with that, just affirmations, her confessing that she is proud of what i do / did and that she thinks im a decent person? yes, id still WANT to hear these things from her, but i no longer *NEED* to hear them to be proud of myself.

whenever she is ready to open up to me, whenever she is ready to look at our different lifestyles less narrow-mindedly, whenever she decides to lay down the sword of hostility - a double edge sword, with which she doesnt only strike at me but also constantly hurts herself - i am willing to talk.

parent X, i respect you for your apparent strength in life, and for bringing me up in a comfortable way, with money not being an issue. i know you worked hard, and i want you to know i appreciate that. i appreciate your skillset that you achieved in this life, which differs from mine immensely, yet is fascinating to me. maybe, just maybe one day you will be able to see that just because i am different, more introverted, and enjoy playing video games, i am not a criminal. 

may you find yourself, and may you maybe, someday, find me again, too. until then, i am going to take care of living and planning my life, because it is important to me. i dont live to impress you, and i dont live to meet your standards - i live to meet *MINE*.

if this ambition makes you think of me as bratty - which you prove through your statements and actions through a daily basis - then so be it. : ) it used to hurt me, but slowly but surely, all i feel is liberated.