January 1st, 2016,

and a new blog pops up out of nowhere. sooo many people are probably doing the same right now, it is the time of the glorious new years resolutions though, isnt it. when, if not now, is the time to start so many new projects, to work on yourself - just to drop it again in a few weeks time.

this blog is something i am not going to drop. it has always been so hard for me to put into words what is going on in my head, and this year is the year i am facing this problem. my mind might be so complex and deep, but what is the use of having such a vivid life going on inside of your head when you cannot translate these thoughts to the outer world.... when you cannot express whats going on in your mind, your head - even your heart. dont get me wrong, if anyone loves solitude and is happy figuring things out for myself its me, no doubt. but there are situations in life where it is of a big advance to actually manage to put all the things on your mind - be it thoughts, ideas, advice, concerns, etc. - into words. 

2015 has been rough on me, very rough. if someone was to ask me, id tell them that 2015 has been the second hardest year of my life. 2015 has taken a lot from me, but it has also given back to me in return. it has given me a whole new sense of clarity, awareness of self and i feel like my problem-solving-skillset has been upgraded. tldr, 2015 might have been really hard at times, but im here now, arent i. its 2016, 2015 is through, and im standing here, feeling like ive gotten to know myself more intensely than ever in the past year. i feel that, especially *because* this past year has been so tough, i got to learn so much more about myself, i got to improve, and i can feel how my mind has seriously expanded. something has definitely happened to me, and even if most things that occured to me in the past year has not been were not exactly pleasant, i do feel victorious in the end.

one motto i have always gone by, but understood more indepth in 2015 is the following:

time is the most valuable thing you have.

it definitely is, and the way you spend this time can either make or break you. i personally always felt like i was really in touch myself also previously to 2015, but now that i think about it, i must say that i have always lacked one final piece to the puzzle to get my mind into the state i need it to be to be at my most capable and happy state. the feeling of being in touch with myself more than ever, which has come over me together with this insane wave of calmness, clarity and "inner zen" feels... like something i have never truly felt before. 

i guess this is a "level up" kind of feeling, but more like a "level up" in a lift, because i level'd up on so many levels.... (aaaaand here we go with the metaphors, woo. ¬__¬) 

what im trying to say is, i got to discover myself more indepth, and i love what i am seeing. there, i said it. i love myself. it seems to be so forbidden to say this nowadays, to approve of yourself. its like we are all *MEANT* to feel bad about ourselves, in a way we are even taught to rather doubt ourselves than to like ourselves. and i dont disagree, a healthy amount of doubt about the right things about yourself can definitely be beneficial and will lead to improvement, but you should never doubt yourself so much that your confidence and thus your happiness suffers.

i have personally always doubted that i fit in with everyone else. and this doubt had become toxic over the past few years. this is where it gets funny. i intuitively always knew that i somehow dont fit in with the "conventional" people (and there is *NOTHING* wrong with being conventional at all - it just really isnt something i can identify with for my own self), yet i thought i have to. why? because i was bulletproof sure that i, too, am an extraverted person and that i just havent found the right people to "party with" yet. i have dragged myself from circle of friends to circle of friends, desperate to fit in, always doubting that i could. they all seemed so attuned to each other and always had such a great time, the more, the merrier. i on the other side noticed how quickly i drained. the others wouldnt even be at the climax of having fun, and i was already willing to buy someone an empire if they were just to escort me back home, so i could either read or play some video games.

but i was *CERTAIN* i definitely wanted to be "out there" and just needed to find the right kind of action to enjoy with the right group of people. .... then 2015 happened. the year that forced me down on my knees. i like to think of myself as stable and rather mindstrong, but - excuse my English - 2015 managed to fuck me, hard. i was sure that i am going to lose my mind, i was at a definite breaking point - and this breaking point was my biggest curse back then, but turned out to be my biggest blessing in the end. the breaking point forced me to retreat, to truly face myself. i had to deal with my inner world in order to "take out the trash" and get my sanity back - in order to save my mind. 

it took months of tough work, of being brutally honest with myself, of shutting out many people... but what i gained is so precious. due to spending so much time actively having to work on myself, i finally started to understand myself in a way that i never understood myself before. i had *ALWAYS* liked silence the best, i have always enjoyed solitude, but up until that year, i didnt think of it as "solitude". i thought of it as "loneliness", and i thought it is a sad way to live a life. i thought that the amount of people you have in your life a) will bring you happiness and b) verifies that you are doing well. BULLSHIT.

this lifestyle might bring great joy to others, but it absolutely drowns me in misery. and 2016 is the year where i finally know all these things, and will spend my time accordingly.

NO, it is NOT sad to like solitude.

YES, there is a BIG difference between solitude and loneliness.

YES, you CAN be an introvert despite not being shy.

YES, having a few selected people as friends is ABSOLUTELY fine.

these are four of the things i have learned about myself in the past year, and i feel so much better since i have come to get to know myself this way. now, when i look back, i laugh, almost cringe, at how certain i was i am an extraverted person just because i am not shy. i used to seriously think that, in order to be an introvert, you need to be shy. I THOUGHT QUIET = SHY. hahaha. and here i go, always having thought of myself as ever-so-smart. i guess that was another good lesson, to look at the bigger picture... ¬__¬ .

so, this is it. this is 2016. the first year ever where i actually feel like i a) know myself and b) have an idea of what i am doing, where i am going, and what i want to achieve. for my own, personal happiness, but also long-term goals, projects, etc... (which will lead to long-term happiness.)

i will use this blog as a digital diary, and i must say that i am curious - almost carefully optimistic (coming from me, the realist with a tendency to pessimism) - about what 2016 may bring.

have a safe trip, fellow wanderers.