how i spent new years eve 2015~ 

or, the first new years eve i finally allowed myself to be me.

in a romanticised way, every new years eve is the beginning of something new. a new year, a new me, all that kind of fancy stuff that people like to say and believe. sadly, there is a lot of cliché to these words - as there unfortunately is to many of them in general. 

philosophical aspects to the side though, this post is meant to remind myself of a little milestone i managed to hit new years eve 2015 - and maybe it is an inspiration to other people, who, like me, have struggled with this previously.

every single year previously to 2015, i would go out to a new years party. these parties mostly ended up being house parties (even i knew better than to enter a club or a disco, bloody hell.), which included several people, and - in the best case scenario - video games. in the not-so-great scenarios, lots of "hanging" and fun party games that... werent that fun to me. my own fault for going, is what you might think. and true, yes, it was my own fault for going. i am aware of this now, too. but back then, i really wasnt, and thought that sitting alone on new years eve must be the saddest thing humanly possible. 

we all grow to up to see all these flashy new years parties, tons of people ganging up to shoot rockets to the sky, to drink, to party - to have a good time. so, sadly, the conclusion that past me jumped to is that the opposite of all this - being alone - is abysmal, horrible, cruel and must mean that i am unhappy and going wrong somewhere in life. so i went to all these parties and tried my best to have fun with the people and whatever we did there, but oftentimes noticed that they seemed to be more "there". they were way more lively and seemed to have a great time. i had quick moments of joy here and there, which oddly enough happened when i distanced myself from the group and managed to have a somewhat good 1on1 conversation of sorts. 

this year, i have also been invited to parties once again. and, after all ive been through in 2015, the year where i finally learned that solitude isnt a bad thing, that it is in fact quite the opposite and that i pull an insane amount of energy out of being alone at times, i caught myself thinking...

"do i really wanna go to yet another party?". "isnt it even rude towards the host if i am there but start wishing id be home after just an hour or so? i dont wanna ruin other peoples fun... also i dont wanna ruin my *own* fun by wishing i stayed at home, doing X instead." ...

after lots and lots of thinking and reflecting, i decided that i wouldnt go to any party, and that i wouldnt see *ANYONE* this new years eve. just me, the hours ticking down to 2016, silence (well, apart from the occasional early rockets fired towards the sky), a comfortable atmosphere ... i was sold : )

and this is exactly how i spent new years eve 2015. i stayed at home, read a respectable amount of pages of my current favourite book. i also spent the evening playing video games (rocket league <3) togethers with a few similar minds, who have also decided to rather stay at home than go out and party. another lesson i learned: surround yourself with people who have the same mission.*

((*sidenote: a lot of non-gamers or people who are skeptical of online friendships will probably facepalm hard now, but if you spend an evening - ANY evening - having fun with friends online, you arent lonely or alone at all. it is your time to spend, and it is your choice how you spend it. time spent on having fun is n o t wasted in my opinion. so technically, i suppose this wasnt a full on "solitude" evening, considering the gaming part. ^__^))

BOOM. : )

i had a few glasses of cherry brandy whilst playing, and when the clock hit 00:00 i went outside to watch the fireworks. after the amount of rockets greeting the new year with gorgeous explosion on the sky slowly decreased in numbers, i decided to go for a little "midnight walk". the atmosphere for this walk was amazing. veiled by the darkness and the mist of a cold winter night, with the right music playing... 

i couldnt have spend this new years any better, and im so happy that ive finally come to realise that theres nothing wrong with NOT going out on some days - even on days where most people are surrounded by others.